The calm at the center of a pearl

January 17, 2008

Autism, Aspergers and excuses.

Filed under: Journaling — kyraninse @ 8:28 pm

We had Ralph Savarese as a classroom speaker today. For those that don’t know, he wrote Reasonable People, a memoir about autism and adoption.

I’m sometimes struck by how — insensitive — I can be. I don’t think I’m a cruel person, in fact I like to think of myself as a relatively kind person who wants to be fair and helpful at least most of the time. But there are often, often instances in which I find myself thinking horrible, terrible, heartless things.

As I was sitting in class, I wrote that sometimes I’d like to attempt to hide behind the shield of Asperger’s, an autism spectrum disorder. Over-diagnosed, supra-medicated, too much sugar used to coat the bitter pill of life. I know this. I do not deny it. Doesn’t lessen the desire though.

I’ve read a bit on Asperger’s. Some fit, most don’t. Therefore I don’t have that to hide behind.

Pity. Now I just have to come to terms with the idea that maybe I am a horrible person.  Without patience, without compassion beyond painfully limited tolerance — there are times when I can’t abide myself much less abide others.

I think that children with problems such as DJ has and had should be adopted and loved. The idea that there are children out there that irresponsible people brought into this world and then proceeded to allow life to mistreat is horrifying. I cringe when I hear about people spending a fortune on in vitro procedures, yet unwilling to adopt when it’s all for naught. I wince at the idea of people flocking en masse to China to adopt babies. I once told my friend that I would like to become a foster parent some day and help give a little love to those who need it.

I don’t know if I can. It’s so hard to keep feeling love when I so often want to kick and scream with the worst of them.

So easy to just hide behind being an immature, self-centered little bitch.

I disturb myself.

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