The calm at the center of a pearl

April 15, 2008

Blegh.

Filed under: Journaling — kyraninse @ 8:42 pm

*sigh*

To be honest, I think I don’t read “ethnic” (do not bomb me for using that word) blogs because mostly, I don’t want to deal.

I can understand why people post about their concerns about the treatment of blacks/yellows/etc and rant about how there is not enough support against racism and sexism and all the other -isms that abound.

Yes, it’s something that needs to be said, and we are the weaker for not speaking out against it.

Yes, it’s important and if you need to talk about something that’s important to you — that’s your perogative.

Yes, ultimately no one should care what I think about their choice of theme because ultimately it’s their blog and I’m not paying them to entertain me.

All that said — it’s wearying to read nothing but negative stuff about race and how it impacts our world and etc.

I’m not saying this to bash certain blogs or whatnot. I think, to a certain extent, I’m trying to figure out why, although I feel guilty about it, I don’t read Asian-American blogs as much as I would want to.

I think, to a certain extent, I’m looking for what I found, to some degree, in Clotilde’s Chocolate and Zucchini. It’s not frequent, but there’s these blessed moments of grace where she addresses where she’s from, the different cultures she’s been exposed to, and how she’s managed to merge the two into something that is wonderful. Something very like, chocolate and zucchini.

—caution!!—really long post!!–caution!!—proceed at own risk!!—you have been warned!!—

As such, there’s the rundown:

  • I’m a TCK, and as such I’ve realized that it’s not just about race. The people from Taiwan look down on people from the Mainland, and people in Shanghai look down on people who aren’t from Shanghai. I’ve heard that Parisians do the same to their countrymen, and I certainly know there’s the Northern/Southern divide in the U.S, along with the lovely New England  pride.
  • There’s anti-American sentiment also, not that two wrongs make a right. There’s the usual concepts of “Americans are bad at math and stupid” and “American women are fat, lazy, and bitchy.”
  • I have an American BF, and I hate constantly having to deal with other people wondering if he’s fetishizing me and not really wanting him to tell other people that he’s dating an Asian, etc.
  • I don’t even really like people on WoW or forums or MOOs to know I’m Asian. I feel, even if it’s not justified, that a neon light saying “SEX ME UP” lights up.
  • My family is not at all approving of this. There’s no talk of dis-owning, but then that’s because he’s white. I know it’d be so much worse if he were black or even just — say, Pakistani.
  • I have lots of family issues regarding being a “banana”
  • I know I have racism issues. I often feel more apprehensive when wandering near groups of black men in baggy clothing and lots of metal on their body — I know there’s almost the same degree of fear for white men — and I feel bad about feeling worried. Although how much of that stems from being a short girl and how much from racism I really don’t know.

In short, I would argue that I know what I’m talking about when I’m discussing racism. I’ll talk about socio-economic status some other time, that’s an entirely new basket of worms.

In general though, I would like to live my life with some measure of grace. It’s a horrible world out there, but is it so bad to occasionally look at it and say, “this has made me stronger”, and see the beauty that can be, even in shattered glass?

Burnout, is a very, very real word.

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