I was reading through “Post Secret”, the book, and asides from being shell-shocked by the horrible things people do — as is inevitable, I started thinking about what my deep dark secret would be.
Oh, in case you want to know more about horrible things people do to each other, the two that top my current list is: 1. the one in which someone wrote about how his/her friends held him/her down, forced open his eyelids, and took turns spitting in his eyes; 2. the one where someone went through the drawers of the parents of the kid she was babysitting and poked holes in all their condoms so that they had another baby and she was “ensured another five years of babysitting”.
Back to my deep dark secret.
I think the one that is on my mind the most, is: “I really want to die.
In fact, deep down inside of me, I want to fail all my classes, want my boyfriend to dump me, my parents to keep harassing me, my relatives to keep being the insensitive clods they are, my friends to just not care…just so I can have a good excuse for killing myself.
There have been days when there’s been this silent screaming voice inside my head, shrieking at the top of its poor non-existent lungs: “THIS IS NOT IT. What the fuck are you waiting for? This is NOT it. Move on. Move ON. Get your sorry excuse for an ass moving NOW. ”
Except, I don’t know where and what I’m supposed to move on to/for.
Mark, my very Christian friend, once said to me that he believe that the world will end and that we will be judged and then those that are worthy will be allowed into Heaven.
All I have to say is, so long as I go quick, they are certainly welcome to get it on, SOON.
I don’t believe that I’ll go to Heaven. In fact, I’d be just as happy not to. I want dead. Dead and oblivious.
What really truly scares me?
What really truly scares me is that there will be something after life. I do not want to be reborn or go to Heaven, or go to Hell, or anything, unless everything I love is there. Which includes my library. If I’m going to lose my library, I’ll stay dead and unaware, thank you very much.
What scares me almost as much is that there isn’t anything there.
What if there’s no point? We’re just hyper-evolved monkeys? What then?
I want out.
I want out of this life.
I dream of a world where we can all be happy doing what we want to do most. Where there will be no need for greed. Where artists can create and others can share in their creation. Where all your needs and wants will be tended to. Where there is no rat-race. No denial of desire or art simply because of the pressing “need to survive”.
If we fell, if we really and truly fell from grace because two of our retarded ancestors did something bad — I will renounce God. I hate this. I don’t think I’ve done anything to deserve this before this lifetime. I did do stuff to deserve this lifetime in this lifetime, but that’s only because it’s this lifetime.
Sure, the good will truly be good even when everything else is going to Hell in a handbasket.
But is it our fault?
Is it really?
Maybe it is.
But if God is going to get pissed off at us for acting the way we do when it’s obvious that a good deal of this is because we live in a God-damned world, literally, then I have no idea what to say.
Survival of the fittest and the ten commandments just don’t mix too well. In fact, I’d say that they were downright contradictory. If the good die young, then why the heck would anyone want to be good?
I’m scared. I want answers. I want a reason, a cause, something, anything, just tell me whatever to make me feel like this isn’t all bullshit, even though it really is.
I go to work, get off work, cook, eat, and have a half-life of existence.
I hate feeling guilty all the time that there are people suffering so much more than I am, but I still cannot find it in me to be happy.
This was actually a post written quite a while ago. It’s still relevant and the blogging program saved it as a draft, and I found it today — so I’m posting it. And just for the record, I’m not actively suicidal.