The calm at the center of a pearl

May 22, 2008

Procrastinating versus impatience

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — kyraninse @ 9:21 pm

I really want to call Zora and ask her if the landlady approved of having 5, potentially 4 people renting the apartment Zora found.

We’re not taking the 2k a month apartment after all, since Zora found something that is slightly more run-down in the kitchen, but $700 cheaper and no broker fee.

The only problem is that the landlady had to talk with her husband about being willing to rent to 5 people. The other thing is that there is no rent control — which considering that since the house-buying market is slumping, it means that rents will be taking a hike. Very unpleasant.

I’m not sure how much to poke Roza about it. After all, she has her own matters to attend to, and I feel vaguely guilty about her doing all the legwork — but then I’m not in the area. It’s at this point that I almost wish that I had taken up my parents on their offer to find me an apartment in Boston and just jump-start the search there.

In the end, when looking at apartments in such a housing climate, it may be worth it to get a more expensive apartment with rent control than a cheaper one without — depending on how long you plan to live there.

Personally, I don’t want to move again once we get to Boston unless it’s to a house that I bought, so if I were living with life-minded people, then I “might” go for the 2k a month place. However, that 1k broker fee is seriously frightening.

I tried looking up broker fees and I’m not sure that 50% of a month’s rent is typical, since I saw some people commenting on 12% broker fees for their apartment.

Anyways, we’ll see.


May 21, 2008

Really don’t know why I bother…

Filed under: Journaling — Tags: , , , , , — kyraninse @ 1:48 am

But I henna-ed my hair again today and have spent the past 2-3 hours reading about henna on the Internets.

Couple of points.

Henna is a natural dye that is absolutely safe for the majority of people to use, except if you have glucose-6-phosphate dehydrogenase deficiency. In that case, it can be extremely dangerous for you to use it as it will cause a hemolytic reaction and can be fatal. Also known as “can’t eat fava beans or will die” disease, so if you can’t eat fava beans without having to go to the ER — don’t henna, mmk?

Henna deposits dye molecules onto your hair shaft, so it will give your hair a reddish tint. It will not lighten your hair color — it’s very much like doing a red water-colour wash over tinted paper.

At this point in time, I have white hairs growing out, so henna-ing my blue-black hair isn’t an exercise in complete futility – but it’s pretty damn close.

I’ve read a lot of conflicting views on preparing mixtures, body art quality henna (BAQ) or simple natural food store henna, dye release times…etc.

I’ve concluded, after reading more than 11 pages into the forums at that henna apparently can work however way it pleases and there’s not necessarily rhyme or reason to it. Including to add oil or no, to acidulate or not, to wait for dye release or no…etc.

Actually, there’s actually multiple very logical reasons for why/how one way works and why it also works the other day. But I’ll go into that some other time if people are interested.

What I did today was I made tea with 1oz of hibiscus flowers and then put in 5 oz of henna powder and fucked up here cooked it for faster dye release. What I forgot was that you can’t over-heat it or the dye starts demising — which led to only a blonde tint on the white hairs.


At least, I know my henna shipment is in at the natural food store, so I think I’ll try again tomorrow. This time, I’ll just do what I’ve always done, which is to use hot tea to make the paste, and then just glop it on and sit around for 4+ hours.

What’s interesting, is that using henna almost always gives me a headache. I’ve also noticed that the headache gets worse progressively — the longer I sit around with it glopped on my head, the more my head hurts.

There’s a couple of hypotheses I have for that.

Some people say that it’s the weight of the hair. Considering I have waist length hair and the henna paste weighs a lot — that’s not implausible.

What I think is the real cause is that henna is supposed to have a cooling effect on the body. There’s also Chinese medicine theories that say that if your head is too cool, you will get headaches and be less healthy. The two theories combined explains the headaches.

Before I get slapped down for woo-woo voodoo henna Chinese mysticism crap — I have to say that sometimes when I don’t blowdry my hair and my head stays cold, I get terrible headaches that only get better once I break out the blowdryer.


More likely to believe in the latter, with that personal anecdote.

Anyways. Henna! More henna tomorrow, possibly!

May 20, 2008

Greens, greens, and nothing but.

Filed under: Journaling — Tags: , , , , , — kyraninse @ 12:39 am

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about what to do when we move to Boston.

There’s going to be a hella lot of money spending coming our way then, both as one-time expenditures and higher fixed costs of living in a big city.

If we take the apartment the broker found, then there’s going to be a one-time $1k brokerage fee. Then, since it’s a $2k a month apartment, not including utilities, internet, or the initial furnishing — then the fee breakdown for the first month will look more like this:

$200    – Brokerage fee
$400    – Rent
$100    – Water/electricity (this is the quote the landlady gave)
$50      – High speed internet (No idea how much it actually will be, but much easier to budget more)
$500    – Deposit
$500    – Transpo to Boston from Ohio along with STUFF
1750*2 = 3500

This isn’t even counting the furnishings that will have to be bought for our room or food or student loan payments or commuting costs. And if we don’t manage to find a job in time for the next month? Then we’re so screwed it’s not even funny.

It might actually be better to find another apartment — except I’m not so sure that we will find another one that is as good as this one by ourselves.

So, the one we’re seriously considering right now has rent control, free use of the dryer/washer (fantastic even though we pay for utilities), is in a good neighborhood (has a preschool opposite), four bedrooms, decently sized kitchen and living room, good lighting, hardwood floors, and is near a bus stop which takes us right to the red-line.

I really don’t think that Zora can find something better. I sincerely hope she does — because then I can save up that $400 brokerage fee (Chris and I) that is breaking my heart — but I doubt it. Nora was telling me about a $2000 two bedroom apartment somewhere else and that seems pretty typical for the area.

Therefore, I’m trying really hard to think of ways to save more money before and after we get there. My costs right now are pretty fixed since I’m living in the college housing which is $7 per night including all utilities and internet. Then there’s laundry and food. I’m going to try and stick to a $5 a day food budget — I’m going to hate it, but I don’t think I have a choice, really — and pray for the best.

After we get there, I’m thinking of having shorter showers, drying clothing using a clothes-line or rack, packing our own lunches to try and stick to a $10 dollar maximum food limit, and in essence — be the tightest penny-pincher I can be.

I’m hoping that Zach, Zora and Kell will be with me on this — because I can’t kill utility bills by myself alone. I’m pretty positive they will be, but I’m so apprehensive about the future.

May 19, 2008

Condos versus single family homes versus …?

Filed under: Money Musings — Tags: , , — kyraninse @ 4:49 pm

When we went to Boston and looked at houses, I noticed that single family homes of about greater or equal size to condos were going for more than slightly less.

This may have been a fluke in both what we were looking at and where — after all, it’s not an entirely static comparison.

On the other hand, I was wondering why one would choose to live in a condo over owning a single family home — or maybe even sharing a duplex with a friend or family member.

Those condo fees do add up — not to mention that often you might have to negotiate with your other condo-mates to fix it up, which might or might not be worth it to pursue.

I’m pretty sure there has to be an aspect I’m missing here, but at the moment, I think I’d cheerfully go for a single home and then try to rent out one of the floors if I really wanted to go into the renting business. Not that either is on the horizon as of now — but just saying.

May 18, 2008

Twitter or no? And on that note…

Filed under: Uncategorized — kyraninse @ 2:42 am

It seems that people first heard about the earthquake in China through Twitter.

That’s pretty impressive, I can see how it is a powerful tool — potentially even more amazing if you have a network of dedicated journalist-bloggers who have a good eye and ear on the grapevine.

Now I’m tempted to look into getting Twitter — although I can see how some people would only be talking about what they just had for lunch. Not to bash cheese-sandwiching — but still…

Also, I love the “schedule” your posts function so I can leave home for a jaunt and still maintain my daily blogging hope. I never even really took a good look at it before this.

I’m really thinking about getting my own website so I can set up slightly more complicated functions such as polls, archive backups, and so on. Or it may be that I can do it all from WordPress, and I’m just too tech-illiterate to do it. On the other hand — I’d have to poke Chris about setting it up for me, so I should probably only do it if I really want to look up how to do it myself.

Also, I’m feeling pretty torn about what comments to allow. In the name of free speech, maybe I should be allowing whatever non-linkage spam that is posted. However, I really don’t think that endless strings of lol really helps the free-speech movement.

Any takers on that one?

May 17, 2008

I don’t want to give them the publicity — but then…

Filed under: Uncategorized — kyraninse @ 2:30 am

I’m not that widely read and so I’m not going to give them THAT much more publicity.

These people make my blood boil. In response to the earthquake in China:

Just a day after admitting to the world of it’s police force shooting protesters in Tibet, China is hit by an earthquake measuring 7.4 on the richter scale. Im sure this is not what we would have wanted to have seen happen, but this is how Karma works upon nations. And as much as continued violence and unrest in Tibet is going to be bad for the people of Tibet, it will also have consequences on the people of China. I doubt this blog is allowed in China, especially in our supporting the Tibetan people but I only hope the people rise to this awareness of their own accords, and make a stand and stop the Goverment inflicting any more in justice.[Via Sky News TV]

Titled “Near Instant Karma hits China in response to Tibet violence” by Andreas.

I registered on their site just to respond to that, and am posting my response in case they delete/don’t allow it.

For people who purportedly are trying to educate the indigos — people who supposedly “exhibit an innate sense of discerning quite easily between right and wrong”…

I can’t believe you just posted something so tasteless and WRONG as the above post.

At LEAST 20,000 people are dead and 100,000 have been buried alive — and you can find it within you to say that it is karma?

Justice? Justice is the death of that many people, the destruction of countless families and homes…?

You have lost any and all credibility that you might have had.

Jesus, Mary, and Allah — what kind of FUCKTARD are you? And this from people who supposedly are the key people of today — GOD I hope not!

May 16, 2008

I don’t have a god-damned clue — do you?

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — kyraninse @ 1:42 am

I was reading through “Post Secret”, the book, and asides from being shell-shocked by the horrible things people do — as is inevitable, I started thinking about what my deep dark secret would be.

Oh, in case you want to know more about horrible things people do to each other, the two that top my current list is: 1. the one in which someone wrote about how his/her friends held him/her down, forced open his eyelids, and took turns spitting in his eyes; 2. the one where someone went through the drawers of the parents of the kid she was babysitting and poked holes in all their condoms so that they had another baby and she was “ensured another five years of babysitting”.

Back to my deep dark secret.

I think the one that is on my mind the most, is: “I really want to die.

In fact, deep down inside of me, I want to fail all my classes, want my boyfriend to dump me, my parents to keep harassing me, my relatives to keep being the insensitive clods they are, my friends to just not care…just so I can have a good excuse for killing myself.

There have been days when there’s been this silent screaming voice inside my head, shrieking at the top of its poor non-existent lungs: “THIS IS NOT IT. What the fuck are you waiting for? This is NOT it. Move on. Move ON. Get your sorry excuse for an ass moving NOW. ”

Except, I don’t know where and what I’m supposed to move on to/for.

Mark, my very Christian friend, once said to me that he believe that the world will end and that we will be judged and then those that are worthy will be allowed into Heaven.

All I have to say is, so long as I go quick, they are certainly welcome to get it on, SOON.

I don’t believe that I’ll go to Heaven. In fact, I’d be just as happy not to. I want dead. Dead and oblivious.

What really truly scares me?

What really truly scares me is that there will be something after life. I do not want to be reborn or go to Heaven, or go to Hell, or anything, unless everything I love is there. Which includes my library. If I’m going to lose my library, I’ll stay dead and unaware, thank you very much.

What scares me almost as much is that there isn’t anything there.

What if there’s no point? We’re just hyper-evolved monkeys? What then?

I want out.


I want out of this life.

I dream of a world where we can all be happy doing what we want to do most. Where there will be no need for greed. Where artists can create and others can share in their creation. Where all your needs and wants will be tended to. Where there is no rat-race. No denial of desire or art simply because of the pressing “need to survive”.

If we fell, if we really and truly fell from grace because two of our retarded ancestors did something bad — I will renounce God. I hate this. I don’t think I’ve done anything to deserve this before this lifetime. I did do stuff to deserve this lifetime in this lifetime, but that’s only because it’s this lifetime.

Sure, the good will truly be good even when everything else is going to Hell in a handbasket.

But is it our fault?

Is it really?

Maybe it is.

But if God is going to get pissed off at us for acting the way we do when it’s obvious that a good deal of this is because we live in a God-damned world, literally, then I have no idea what to say.

Survival of the fittest and the ten commandments just don’t mix too well. In fact, I’d say that they were downright contradictory. If the good die young, then why the heck would anyone want to be good?

I’m scared. I want answers. I want a reason, a cause, something, anything, just tell me whatever to make me feel like this isn’t all bullshit, even though it really is.

I go to work, get off work, cook, eat, and have a half-life of existence.

I hate feeling guilty all the time that there are people suffering so much more than I am, but I still cannot find it in me to be happy.






This was actually a post written quite a while ago. It’s still relevant and the blogging program saved it as a draft, and I found it today — so I’m posting it. And just for the record, I’m not actively suicidal.

May 15, 2008

Real life (TM) and how people don’t care.

Filed under: Uncategorized — kyraninse @ 10:15 pm


Apparently someone doesn’t care about funny drunk men.

Uh-huh. Wonder why you took that extra few minutes to leave a comment to say so then.


China Sichuan had a pretty bad earthquake on Monday (7.9) — to think that I was QQing about having rain for my graduation.

The whimsical part of me wonders if the drizzling rain that lasted for two days were tears for the many that were lost that day.

According to a Chinese newspaper I picked up, at least 12k are confirmed dead and another 100k are “lost” in the rubble when the city was buried after the earthquake hit.

I don’t know how to react to this — I don’t know how I can believe in a omniscient God that would allow something of this magnitude to happen. I think of the parents who dug with their bare hands in the ruins of the schools, only to pull out corpse after corpse.

I don’t even know what to do to help — donations are a given — but I can’t help but think that the people are the most important part, and so many of them are gone. I briefly thought about volunteering, but it seems that the Red Cross and Mercy Corps are only asking for monetary donations.

Also, from news reports, it seems that the Chinese government is lying about the number dead and missing. Call-ins are saying that Beichuan alone has a couple 10k dead, and that’s only one of the places that was hit. I think it’s ridiculous that the English news that I’m Googling says that there’s “at least” 8700 dead — the number has to be much, much higher than that. I also hear rumors that China isn’t allowing volunteers — if that’s true, China is going to have a LOT to answer for.

Donate if you can, pray if you can’t — do both if possible.

Post-college ruminations

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — kyraninse @ 12:53 am

Now that college is officially over — I guess it’s time to take stock.

Tangible stuff:
I graduated with a 3.0 GPA and a satisfactory in I.S.
I’m also about … relatively speaking, 5k USD in debt. (There is some exaggeration — but not much)
I have a close group of friends, some of which whom I’m living with (hopefully) starting in August-ish.

Intangible stuff:
I now know that I have anxiety issues, major depressive disorder, and severe ADD.
I also know that I both have a greater and lesser capacity than I used to think.

I’m sure there’s other things, but I guess those are the major things that I’ve gained since the start of college.

In general, if I had to answer the question, “Was the 160 thousand USD spent worth it?”, I think the answer would be “yes”. If the question was “Do you think that you even began to get your money’s worth?”, I think I’d have to say no.

I’m fairly conflicted about how I feel about myself, especially now.

I’m fairly pissed at myself for not graduating with at least a magna cum laude and/or an honors in I.S. I’m also fairly unhappy that I didn’t manage to figure out earlier what going to graduate school in psychology required me to do as an undergrad. Further more, I’m feeling blegh that I didn’t go out and do more extracurricular stuff.

On the other hand, part of me wants to jump up and down and whimper: “But–but—I have severe ADD and depression and I still managed a 3.0 GPA!”

I’ve been struggling with the knowledge that, according to the psychology tests that I’ve taken, I score very highly on the depression and ADD scales — as in answering “most of the time” or “all the time” and so such to all the questions.

In fact, according to the doctor and psychologist, I “should” be on anti-depressants and ADD medication. They’re not going to force it down my throat if I’m functional — which I am, but it’s been highly recommended.

On the other hand, because I know Chris and Charlie have similar issues, and to a certain extent I believe that I’m not “better” than they are in those areas — the fact that I’m much more functional than they are resonates with my belief that you can will yourself into being a more functional human being than you otherwise would be.

Knowing that, then, makes me wonder how lax I’ve been with myself.

Sure, there were often periods when I was so depressed that I would lie in bed for days — not even getting up to dress or eat. But how much of that was just self-indulgence?

I need to know, and it tears at me that I can’t know how much things would be different if I had only exerted just a little more willpower.

Maybe I would have failed. Maybe I would have succeeded.

I don’t know.

I do believe that there is only a limited pool of willpower that any one person has, and barring unusual circumstances such as senior I.S being due the next day — you’re going to run out at some point.

However, I often think, “Look, I’m up, I’m trying, that’s already costing me my entire pool of willpower”. But how true is it?

Maybe if I spent a clue token, I could get another die and re-roll.

I guess, ultimately, I was truthful when I told the parents today that I tried my best. Even though looking back, there’s a hell of a ton of things I would have done differently because the consequences of not doing so are worse than the concept of dragging myself out of bed when the only thing I wanted to do was to throw myself in front of a car — I tried my best at the time.

I don’t know how to reconcile it all and the disturbing thought is that this is a bigger project that even the most well-crafted I.S.

I can’t keep wavering between saying that my mental problems are an explanation, then saying it’s an excuse.

May 14, 2008

Moving — to toss or to spend?

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , — kyraninse @ 9:58 pm

Right now, because Zach’s mom was throwing a fit in the car about how many boxes I was sending with them — half the boxes of books that I wanted them to move and store for me is still sitting in the apartment.

I’m not even going to go into how much she QQed about it. *shrug* I said at least ten boxes, and for some reason they heard five — and she was having kittens over it, so I just sent out 7 boxes with them in the end. It would have been only five, except Chris had already moved the boxes onto the car and I wasn’t about to have him unload them and bring them back upstairs.

There was still space enough the car in the end — but who cares, right?

Anyways, I now have to figure out how to cheaply ship about a dozen or so boxes of clothing and books over to Boston without making my wallet want to cry big fat tears of blood.

I tried looking at moving companies, but as I suspected, they fell into the 2k -3k range. Not to mention I really don’t need a moving company for the amount of stuff I have.

Then I looked at the “you pack, they drive” options — the quotes I got also fell into the 1k range, which although is much more affordable — I still don’t want to drop that much money on it. That’s when I just donate all my books to the library and re-buy them because it’d be cheaper.

The bottom line is that I have too much stuff to mail, and too little stuff for all the above options to actually make sense. Even the “charge by the amount of space you use” companies such as U-pack and Broadway express that I was looking at seem to need a certain economy of scale to start actually making sense. When I was using the “calculate a rough guesstimate” option on Broadway, it wouldn’t even let me use less than 640 cubic feet because the minimum of linear feet they do is 10 — which is retarded when I only need about 100 at most.

I tried Googling key words with “college student”, “moving cross country”, “moving after graduation”…etc. But they seemed to all want to talk about how the feckless youth are unable to survive on their own and are crying home to mommy. Not helpful.

In the end, I might end up shipping the books Media mail and then, depending on what else I have, shipping everything else with UPS or using the flat-rate boxes the USPS has. However, the only pickle I have with that is it makes for pretty inefficient packing. Media mail means that you can only ship books or DVDs or whatnot, and sometimes in order to use the space in the most intelligent way possible, I’ll tuck in a pillow case or a pencil box — which isn’t allowed.


We’ll see.

On a lighter note, there’s a man who was brought to court for trying to ship himself home in a box because he thought it would be cheaper than a plane ticket — amazing, isn’t it? I mean, with AirTran and such companies offering tickets one way at about 60-89 dollars a pop…

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