The calm at the center of a pearl

May 24, 2008

Money blogs and college students

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — kyraninse @ 12:53 am

Bah, it’s now 51 minutes past my deadline. 😦 So I’m going to be double posting today.

Anyways. I’ve been reading financial blogs and it’s struck me that no one really has many good ideas for college students.

To be honest, I don’t think the “spend less than you earn” concept applies when you don’t have a job.

I suppose that begs the remark “then get off your lazy bum and find one”.

Frankly, I went to a private college that required you to petition for a class overload because the normal 4 credit course load was considered more than enough work to keep us occupied, and I wouldn’t have liked to have taken on a 40 hour work week on top of that.

Not to mention, really, if I’m paying out my nose for a good education, I really want to make the most of it. Maybe do an internship or two, participate in some extracurricular activities, do some networking — perhaps even have a life.

Call me spoiled if you like. I suppose I am.

But then — with that mindset it’s undeniable that the run of the mill financial blog is not very helpful. With an eye towards that, I’m looking for ideas that are slightly more feasible.

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May 15, 2008

Post-college ruminations

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — kyraninse @ 12:53 am

Now that college is officially over — I guess it’s time to take stock.

Tangible stuff:
I graduated with a 3.0 GPA and a satisfactory in I.S.
I’m also about … relatively speaking, 5k USD in debt. (There is some exaggeration — but not much)
I have a close group of friends, some of which whom I’m living with (hopefully) starting in August-ish.
Chris

Intangible stuff:
I now know that I have anxiety issues, major depressive disorder, and severe ADD.
I also know that I both have a greater and lesser capacity than I used to think.

I’m sure there’s other things, but I guess those are the major things that I’ve gained since the start of college.

In general, if I had to answer the question, “Was the 160 thousand USD spent worth it?”, I think the answer would be “yes”. If the question was “Do you think that you even began to get your money’s worth?”, I think I’d have to say no.

I’m fairly conflicted about how I feel about myself, especially now.

I’m fairly pissed at myself for not graduating with at least a magna cum laude and/or an honors in I.S. I’m also fairly unhappy that I didn’t manage to figure out earlier what going to graduate school in psychology required me to do as an undergrad. Further more, I’m feeling blegh that I didn’t go out and do more extracurricular stuff.

On the other hand, part of me wants to jump up and down and whimper: “But–but—I have severe ADD and depression and I still managed a 3.0 GPA!”

I’ve been struggling with the knowledge that, according to the psychology tests that I’ve taken, I score very highly on the depression and ADD scales — as in answering “most of the time” or “all the time” and so such to all the questions.

In fact, according to the doctor and psychologist, I “should” be on anti-depressants and ADD medication. They’re not going to force it down my throat if I’m functional — which I am, but it’s been highly recommended.

On the other hand, because I know Chris and Charlie have similar issues, and to a certain extent I believe that I’m not “better” than they are in those areas — the fact that I’m much more functional than they are resonates with my belief that you can will yourself into being a more functional human being than you otherwise would be.

Knowing that, then, makes me wonder how lax I’ve been with myself.

Sure, there were often periods when I was so depressed that I would lie in bed for days — not even getting up to dress or eat. But how much of that was just self-indulgence?

I need to know, and it tears at me that I can’t know how much things would be different if I had only exerted just a little more willpower.

Maybe I would have failed. Maybe I would have succeeded.

I don’t know.

I do believe that there is only a limited pool of willpower that any one person has, and barring unusual circumstances such as senior I.S being due the next day — you’re going to run out at some point.

However, I often think, “Look, I’m up, I’m trying, that’s already costing me my entire pool of willpower”. But how true is it?

Maybe if I spent a clue token, I could get another die and re-roll.

I guess, ultimately, I was truthful when I told the parents today that I tried my best. Even though looking back, there’s a hell of a ton of things I would have done differently because the consequences of not doing so are worse than the concept of dragging myself out of bed when the only thing I wanted to do was to throw myself in front of a car — I tried my best at the time.

I don’t know how to reconcile it all and the disturbing thought is that this is a bigger project that even the most well-crafted I.S.

I can’t keep wavering between saying that my mental problems are an explanation, then saying it’s an excuse.

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