Post-college ruminations

Now that college is officially over — I guess it’s time to take stock.

Tangible stuff:
I graduated with a 3.0 GPA and a satisfactory in I.S.
I’m also about … relatively speaking, 5k USD in debt. (There is some exaggeration — but not much)
I have a close group of friends, some of which whom I’m living with (hopefully) starting in August-ish.
Chris

Intangible stuff:
I now know that I have anxiety issues, major depressive disorder, and severe ADD.
I also know that I both have a greater and lesser capacity than I used to think.

I’m sure there’s other things, but I guess those are the major things that I’ve gained since the start of college.

In general, if I had to answer the question, “Was the 160 thousand USD spent worth it?”, I think the answer would be “yes”. If the question was “Do you think that you even began to get your money’s worth?”, I think I’d have to say no.

I’m fairly conflicted about how I feel about myself, especially now.

I’m fairly pissed at myself for not graduating with at least a magna cum laude and/or an honors in I.S. I’m also fairly unhappy that I didn’t manage to figure out earlier what going to graduate school in psychology required me to do as an undergrad. Further more, I’m feeling blegh that I didn’t go out and do more extracurricular stuff.

On the other hand, part of me wants to jump up and down and whimper: “But–but—I have severe ADD and depression and I still managed a 3.0 GPA!”

I’ve been struggling with the knowledge that, according to the psychology tests that I’ve taken, I score very highly on the depression and ADD scales — as in answering “most of the time” or “all the time” and so such to all the questions.

In fact, according to the doctor and psychologist, I “should” be on anti-depressants and ADD medication. They’re not going to force it down my throat if I’m functional — which I am, but it’s been highly recommended.

On the other hand, because I know Chris and Charlie have similar issues, and to a certain extent I believe that I’m not “better” than they are in those areas — the fact that I’m much more functional than they are resonates with my belief that you can will yourself into being a more functional human being than you otherwise would be.

Knowing that, then, makes me wonder how lax I’ve been with myself.

Sure, there were often periods when I was so depressed that I would lie in bed for days — not even getting up to dress or eat. But how much of that was just self-indulgence?

I need to know, and it tears at me that I can’t know how much things would be different if I had only exerted just a little more willpower.

Maybe I would have failed. Maybe I would have succeeded.

I don’t know.

I do believe that there is only a limited pool of willpower that any one person has, and barring unusual circumstances such as senior I.S being due the next day — you’re going to run out at some point.

However, I often think, “Look, I’m up, I’m trying, that’s already costing me my entire pool of willpower”. But how true is it?

Maybe if I spent a clue token, I could get another die and re-roll.

I guess, ultimately, I was truthful when I told the parents today that I tried my best. Even though looking back, there’s a hell of a ton of things I would have done differently because the consequences of not doing so are worse than the concept of dragging myself out of bed when the only thing I wanted to do was to throw myself in front of a car — I tried my best at the time.

I don’t know how to reconcile it all and the disturbing thought is that this is a bigger project that even the most well-crafted I.S.

I can’t keep wavering between saying that my mental problems are an explanation, then saying it’s an excuse.