The calm at the center of a pearl

May 15, 2008

Post-college ruminations

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — kyraninse @ 12:53 am

Now that college is officially over — I guess it’s time to take stock.

Tangible stuff:
I graduated with a 3.0 GPA and a satisfactory in I.S.
I’m also about … relatively speaking, 5k USD in debt. (There is some exaggeration — but not much)
I have a close group of friends, some of which whom I’m living with (hopefully) starting in August-ish.
Chris

Intangible stuff:
I now know that I have anxiety issues, major depressive disorder, and severe ADD.
I also know that I both have a greater and lesser capacity than I used to think.

I’m sure there’s other things, but I guess those are the major things that I’ve gained since the start of college.

In general, if I had to answer the question, “Was the 160 thousand USD spent worth it?”, I think the answer would be “yes”. If the question was “Do you think that you even began to get your money’s worth?”, I think I’d have to say no.

I’m fairly conflicted about how I feel about myself, especially now.

I’m fairly pissed at myself for not graduating with at least a magna cum laude and/or an honors in I.S. I’m also fairly unhappy that I didn’t manage to figure out earlier what going to graduate school in psychology required me to do as an undergrad. Further more, I’m feeling blegh that I didn’t go out and do more extracurricular stuff.

On the other hand, part of me wants to jump up and down and whimper: “But–but—I have severe ADD and depression and I still managed a 3.0 GPA!”

I’ve been struggling with the knowledge that, according to the psychology tests that I’ve taken, I score very highly on the depression and ADD scales — as in answering “most of the time” or “all the time” and so such to all the questions.

In fact, according to the doctor and psychologist, I “should” be on anti-depressants and ADD medication. They’re not going to force it down my throat if I’m functional — which I am, but it’s been highly recommended.

On the other hand, because I know Chris and Charlie have similar issues, and to a certain extent I believe that I’m not “better” than they are in those areas — the fact that I’m much more functional than they are resonates with my belief that you can will yourself into being a more functional human being than you otherwise would be.

Knowing that, then, makes me wonder how lax I’ve been with myself.

Sure, there were often periods when I was so depressed that I would lie in bed for days — not even getting up to dress or eat. But how much of that was just self-indulgence?

I need to know, and it tears at me that I can’t know how much things would be different if I had only exerted just a little more willpower.

Maybe I would have failed. Maybe I would have succeeded.

I don’t know.

I do believe that there is only a limited pool of willpower that any one person has, and barring unusual circumstances such as senior I.S being due the next day — you’re going to run out at some point.

However, I often think, “Look, I’m up, I’m trying, that’s already costing me my entire pool of willpower”. But how true is it?

Maybe if I spent a clue token, I could get another die and re-roll.

I guess, ultimately, I was truthful when I told the parents today that I tried my best. Even though looking back, there’s a hell of a ton of things I would have done differently because the consequences of not doing so are worse than the concept of dragging myself out of bed when the only thing I wanted to do was to throw myself in front of a car — I tried my best at the time.

I don’t know how to reconcile it all and the disturbing thought is that this is a bigger project that even the most well-crafted I.S.

I can’t keep wavering between saying that my mental problems are an explanation, then saying it’s an excuse.

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2 Comments »

  1. Ever read the Spoon Theory? It originated as a way to talk about lupus and other physical disabilities, but I’ve seen a lot of people use it to discuss depression and anxiety too, me included. It sounds like your concept of willpower is running on similar lines.

    Comment by Thene — May 15, 2008 @ 3:46 pm

  2. Thene, that’s an awesome link. I do think that the Spoon theory is a good metaphor — but unlike her, I think that sometimes I either have a couple extra spoons or even sometimes have regenerating spoons — all depending on how things go. On the flip side, it’s also so easy to lose spoons because people often absentmindedly take away an entire handful just by saying casually hurtful things such as “I don’t see how depression is a ‘real’ problem”.

    Comment by kyraninse — May 15, 2008 @ 10:55 pm


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