My brother just talked to me, asked me what was going on, etc.
He hasn’t talked to me properly in a while now, so I can’t help but think that my parents asked him to chat with me more to get a handle on my mood.
I talked with my dad recently about being depressed and I think I really surprised him because apparently he thought that me going on Prozac a while ago was just a “phase” I was going through.
So my brother asked me how I felt, and I told him the truth. I haven’t talked to him much, make that almost not that all, over the past four years, and I didn’t feel like fobbing him off with the usual “fine, thanks”.
I don’t know how he took the onslaught of information I gave him — I don’t even know if he was confused or bewildered by it. He’s such an amazingly composed person so often.
I often feel saddened that our family isn’t as close knit as it could be — I’m somewhat envious of a friend who has a familial list-serv and another who seems to have a much better extended family dynamic than I do.
But then, I’ve always felt like the duckling in the middle of swans when it comes to them.
June 21, 2008
My brother just talked to me, asked me what was going on, etc.
June 13, 2008
This time it’s Courtanna’s wedding. We’ll be traveling on Friday the 13th, so wish us luck, all those that are superstitious.
It’s going to be 15 hours on the bus and then some. We’ll be staying at a friend’s place, so maybe Internet will still be in session. Kenny, Karl, and Sarah will all be there. I suspect it will be great fun.
June 12, 2008
I’ve been fiddling with a new blog and figured I should tell people about it.
Sometimes it’s easier to just link someone to something that I’ve written a page on rather than try to hash it out over IM, and I really wanted something that I could link anyone and everyone to.
Frankly, I’ve tried to make this a drama-free zone, but it’s failed. I do tend to want to write about what’s going on in my mind and the drama that often fills it. As such, it’s hardly something that fit for consumption by people like my coworkers.
So I made a new blog. Something I can show my parents, for example.
I’ll keep posting here, but it’ll be more of a personal blog rather than the pseudo-serious blog I was trying to make it.
I don’t know who-all reads this, but if you’re not one of my RL friends, drop me a note and I’ll email the new URL to you.
June 10, 2008
Got back about two days ago from the wedding.
It was hectic, exhausting, utterly worth the trip, and not something I’d ever want a repeat of.
Just had a convo with a friend and feeling rather slapped at the moment. I’m sure it’s silly of me to feel that way, but I was trying to talk about how I saw a certain issue and he said that he really didn’t want to talk about such things anymore. Such things being prattling about the issues our friends have, I suppose.
Made me feel like a gossip-mongering whore, which I’m positive wasn’t his intent.
I like to discuss people. What makes them tick, why they did something, what they did that made me upset, what they’re doing wrong at the moment, what they’re doing right, what’s going on in their life, etc.
I don’t like shying away from topics just because it’s uncomfortable and I hate it when someone tells me to cut what we’re talking about short because it might be offensive or because it’s awkward making.
I don’t try to offend, I just try to understand as thoroughly as I can what you think about the subject and try to tell my point of view. If the calm exchange of information is offensive, then that grates on my nerves.
June 3, 2008
Don’t know if I like ’em or think they’re stupid…but…
“If you had the chance to go crazy and completely overhaul your appearance, what would you do?”
That’s such an awkwardly phrased question. Go crazy and completely overhaul how? As in plastic surgery crazy? Or “zomg I’m plastic putty lookit what I can do to myself” crazy? Or, are we going to be lame and just go for a haircut? Or makeup? Or..
What’s really odd for me is that I often look in the mirror and am completely surprised by the person who looks out at me. If I were the character of a fantasy novel, this would be my cue that obviously I’m either a faerie princess / alien / fill in the blank wierdo in hiding and my appearance has been changed for my own protection. As I’m fairly certain that my life is not in fantasy novel mode — I have no idea why this is so. It’s not self-esteem either, which would be the easy answer to that question, I just am sincerely surprised to see that person in the mirror when I’m expecting someone else.
I’m going to go with the “zomg I’m silly putty and I can do whatever I want to myself” setting of that question because it would be the most entertaining.
I think I would grow a couple of inches. I’m fairly tired of being in the almost always non-existent petite section of clothing stores. Also, it’s kind of frustrating to realize that I’m afraid to confront people because I’m afraid when they’re about a foot or so taller than me on average and correspondingly weighs more. I think 5’5 would be a nice compromise.
I’m not even sure what puts me off about my features, but I think I want longer eyelashes. I want Chris’ eyelashes. Or longer, thicker, etc.
I don’t really dislike my face. Higher cheekbones, bigger eyes, and a slimmer nose would be nice — if I were really going into small changes.
Does anyone else have that “wait, who is that staring out at me from the mirror?” thing often?
May 30, 2008
As a natural result of tooling around online and reading about greener ways of living — I looked up the website for Consumer Consequences: the interactive website that tells you how many Earths would be needed if everyone lived like you do.
Frankly, I think it’s a useful thing to take a look at, but I don’t put that much store by it.
For the record, I plugged in some numbers based on my predicted living methods when I go to Boston, upon which it told me that we would need 3.1 Earths if everyone lived like I did. If I used the numbers for when I’m living at college, it would be 2.7.
It’s useful, yes, but only so much as it reminds me to live more lightly on the Earth and doesn’t plunge me into depression.
I think, the simple fact is that the Earth has way too many people. I’m not saying: “Oh hey, it’s all hopeless and we’re never going to get the result of 1 Earth unless we all start living on communes and farming our own food — so let’s all just screw it and do whatever we want.”
But, at 6.6 billion people on this planet — really, what can we do to make it so the results get down to 1 Earth? I got down to 1.1 Earths by almost never leaving the house, walking when I did, and eating all vegetarian. At that point, I said: “Fuck it, this is ridiculous.”
I’m willing to try and do my best, but I draw the line at where life becomes not-fun. Although I try to eat vegetarian most of the time, I like my bacon once in a while. I also like steak once every so often. The need for commuting isn’t going to go away, and neither am I going to sit at home all night after work and twiddle my thumbs because buying books involves cutting down the Amazon and going out to the movies consumes too much energy.
Also, if you really think about it — having kids is really bad for the environment. Throw-away Pampers, anyone? And you’re essentially bringing someone else into the world to help consume it, and what’s even worse is that you might raise a kid who is a veracious carnivore, who hates recycling, and was born to shop.
In the end, sure there’s some entitlement going on — but I’m not going to make my life a study in asceticism just because there’s 1.3 billion people in China alone and India close behind.
Not that I’m bashing those two countries — they have so many problems regarding population and they know it. Neither am I saying: “ZOMG, white man’s burden!”.
But the question isn’t always as clear cut as edifying yourself.
May 29, 2008
I’m feeling out of sorts.
I’ve been fiddling with setting up a blog and hosting it on my own domain and whatnot — and it won’t work. It runs and hiccups and stops and starts and drives me nuts. Chris mentioned once that I might enjoy web design — for all I know he could be right and I’d like fiddling with sites to make them tick and shine — but oh my god I hate the tech aspect.
I try looking at guides and forum posts to piece together what went wrong and it’s all over my head. It’s not just something I can jump into, nor is it that intuitive.
It’s a gorgeous day out and all I can think about is whether I want to go to Courtanna’s wedding. I want to, but I’m not sure I can afford it. Between opportunity costs and Greyhound and hotel — ergh.
“The sun runs like silk down the waterfall of your hair and the wind glows with your spilled blood.”
I also want this summer to be over. College was limbo and now I’m still in limbo. I want a home, a stable job and permanence. God knows I haven’t had it, ever. I so envy Courtanna’s domestic bliss.
May 26, 2008
So, I went and downloaded the forms today.
I’ve always found it interesting that the civics exams can cover questions that even the average American might not know the answer to. Such as, how many representatives do you have? Or, how does your state number in being added to the United States?
I think that cultures where they actually required their members to undergo a rite of passage and prove their mettle to the collective before they would be accepted as full-fledged members of society made slightly more sense.
As for right now, I’d say our youth has no idea if they’ve reached adulthood or not. They get sent conflicting messages constantly. They can volunteer for armed service before they can drink. They’re also charged with voting while they’re still considered underage. Even better, the many laws regarding sex is simply funny at times.
I often wonder how our society would be different if we actually made it a point to educate and train the younger generation. Not to romanticize the good old days of yore — but it’s interesting to think about the things that they actually did do right in certain aspects.
May 24, 2008
I just found out — rather belatedly, I’m afraid — that an Austrian man locked up his own daughter since she was 18 in the cellar, fathered seven children on her…
And is now appealing insanity.
So, after he plotted it out in great detail since she was 12 — including constructing the jail where she was kept for 24 years with a door that weighs half a ton — raped her repeatedly, forced her to bear him seven children without the benefits of medical assistance, allowed her and her children’s health to deteriorate to the point where one of the kids is in a medically induced coma…
He’s pleading insanity NOW?
I don’t even know if I agree that he’s insane or not. Certainly his actions support the idea. But I can’t imagine someone who so cold-bloodedly and logically planned this out as being under the control of a mental disorder — which is what cinches it for me, in the end.
Sure, he may be insane, but I don’t believe that should free him from being imprisoned in a dark cell underground and hopefully raped up the ass till he hemorrhages out repeatedly and fed sugar till all his teeth fall out like Elisabeth’s did. Too bad he’s 73 and probably wouldn’t survive that long even if they did convict him.
Bah, it’s now 51 minutes past my deadline.😦 So I’m going to be double posting today.
Anyways. I’ve been reading financial blogs and it’s struck me that no one really has many good ideas for college students.
To be honest, I don’t think the “spend less than you earn” concept applies when you don’t have a job.
I suppose that begs the remark “then get off your lazy bum and find one”.
Frankly, I went to a private college that required you to petition for a class overload because the normal 4 credit course load was considered more than enough work to keep us occupied, and I wouldn’t have liked to have taken on a 40 hour work week on top of that.
Not to mention, really, if I’m paying out my nose for a good education, I really want to make the most of it. Maybe do an internship or two, participate in some extracurricular activities, do some networking — perhaps even have a life.
Call me spoiled if you like. I suppose I am.
But then — with that mindset it’s undeniable that the run of the mill financial blog is not very helpful. With an eye towards that, I’m looking for ideas that are slightly more feasible.